The Surprising Gift You May Get from a Difficult Co-worker

Here’s why criticism from our detractors can be a gift, and steps for handling criticism more gracefully.

Thank others for their feedback

When someone cares about you or the outcome enough to criticize, thank them for their feedback. Besides acknowledging their viewpoint, a “thank you” surprises and often disarms them. You can acknowledge their viewpoint without being defensive and without agreeing with their conclusions.

Listen to the criticism and seek to understand

Analyze what you are hearing. Why is this feedback being given, and by whom? What is the motivation behind it? Is the person trying to help you? Do they want a better result? No matter what you think is motivating the person, carefully and objectively assess whether there is any truth to what they say. Look for the kernel of truth that you can learn from.

Do not respond with anger or defensiveness

Anger and defensiveness cloud your thinking, so take a step back, breathe, and start thinking instead of reacting. If your emotions are running high, let the person know that you appreciate their feedback and will think about what they have said and respond later.

Find something to agree on

If you feel the criticism is unjustified, state your reasoning and your perspective without being defensive. If you feel the critic has a point or there is anything you can agree with, acknowledge that and let them know you will do better.

Appreciate how difficult it may be for this person to tell you directly and be grateful they took the time. (More about those who didn’t tell you directly but who criticized you behind your back later.)

Respond from your head, logically and calmly

Instead of being defensive, be honest. Share your reasons, acknowledge the other person’s points, if there’s any validity, and come to a rational conclusion.

If you don't feel you can respond objectively, you could say, “I didn’t realize I came across like that. Thanks for sharing your opinion. From my perspective…” or “I understand you have some concerns. We will need to agree to disagree on this.”

Do not respond with a counter attack

No matter what the criticism is, do not respond by immediately blaming someone else or by refusing to acknowledge or be accountable for any potential mistakes.

What if the critic continues to attack? Determine what your next step will be. Negativity is contagious; don’t let it infect you. Instead, clearly, calmly, and firmly tell the person that you are not willing to argue, that you do not find this engagement helpful or productive, and you will be disengaging—and let them know what you will do if it happens again. 

For example, you may decide to politely leave the room, or, if it’s serious enough, end the relationship or avoid the person. Be sure to follow through and take that action. When you respect yourself, you are modeling so that others respect you.

What about people who are trying to sabotage me behind my back?

When someone spreads rumors or lies that threaten your credibility, reputation, or job, you can’t ignore it. When you shrink from confronting saboteurs directly, they get stronger and bolder. This is a time for positive action.

Don’t blame or shame the critics by calling them names. Instead, focus on mutual understanding and clearing up inaccuracies. There may be real misunderstandings that you have the opportunity to correct with facts. 

Meet in person with those who have the misunderstanding and calmly explain how you feel and bring supporting evidence. If necessary, put the correction in writing and send it to those involved. 

When you learn of behind-your-back criticisms or gossip being spread about you, be vigilant. You could say to the person, preferably in person and in a calm, even tone,“ What's up? I understand you have an issue with the way I XYZ. Would you like to discuss?”

If you are clear and direct, you are showing this person that you would like them to be clear and direct with you in return.

Know when to move on

Remember: Don’t let every insignificant critic pull you off track. Not every sarcastic comment deserves a response. 

Stay focused on what’s important so you can reach your goals. Instead of allowing your precious energy and attention to be sapped by naysayers, free yourself by letting go and moving on.